Click on the image so you will be able to read the copy better.
After reading it, I hope you will agree that this is the kind of copy you get when you hire "employee-copywriters."
What do I mean by that?
According to Claude Hopkins, copywriting is salesmanship multiplied. Therefore, a copywriter is a salesman. When sales people are paid on salary, they don't have that "Eye Of The Tiger."
Employee-copywriters, like sales people paid on fixed salary, work hard enough to keep their job, and work harder if they want to move up. Either way, they get paid even if the client's ad fails to make money.
On second thought, I think the writer is a freelancer. I bet that this writer was from odesk. If you read the copy, the grammar is flawed. The ideas doesn't flow. You have to stop now and then to think, "What did I just read? What did he/she mean by that?"
If the person who wrote this copy is a freelancer--I admire the effort. But still, copywriting like this will not sell. I don't think the client will make any money from this ad.
Imagine that this copywriter was an actual sales person sitting across your desk. The way the copy was written, it's as if this sales person is blabbering away while you are trying to be polite. You are probably thinking to yourself, "Soon as he pauses to catch his breath, I am going to get rid of him..."
I know. I'm gloating here...making unnecessary judgement on someone else's work.
Tell you what--I'm going to make changes to this copy, and then you can critique my work. Fair enough? Give me a few days and I'll post a blog update on this.
Here is how I think this copy can be improved...First, you need to find out--what is the prospect's biggest pain?
For now, let's assume that the prospect wants her work to get attention in the market.
How will I convince her that, by signing up for our service, her work will get the attention it deserves. We want her to sign up for the premium service.
I then explain to her how our service works. I will give examples, case studies, client testimonials, videos and all that. I will then enumerate the benefits she, the prospect will gain upon sign up.
For every benefit that I give her, I will support them with proof elements. "Your book will get reviews from such-and-such... Here's how. This is what happened to Mr. X, who signed up for the service 30 days ago. Here is a video testimonial from Mr. X..."
The copy is going to be lengthy. The more I tell, the more I sell.
As a sales person myself, I am at a disadvantage. The prospect is not in front of me . I don't know how she is going to respond to what I'm saying. The best that I can do is to anticipate how she will respond.
This is why the copy has to be long. If I limit my work to 500 words or less, I am not going to get her to sign up for the service. I can shorten the copy, but I am going to have to use more video with the copy.
I'm going to take a break now. I think I have enough material for my mind to digest.