Headline critique - Clown text

Someone in the copywriting forum asked for our opinion about her ad. Here's the headline...


Personally, I don't like it.

It reads like a salesman wearing a red and green suit asking you to buy something, right?

"Send your conversion through the roof..." I don't get where these people get ideas for headlines like these. Maybe they look at their competitor's ads and think, "I can beat their ad by making a more awesome headline."

And so, they did.

Your website is your salesperson, working 24/7. As much as possible, you do not want to turn people off. You want them to stay for as long as possible. This way, your can deliver your sales pitch and motivate them to do what you want them to do--buy, subscribe, bookmark or share.

Get it right
Last I checked, google has indexed 7 BILLION websites. That's a lot of websites out there that wants to get your prospect's attention as much as you do.

In the first five seconds that your prospect finds your website and your message fails to get their attention, they're gone. What's worse, it will be that much harder for you to get them to stay the next time they find your site.

They are going to think... "I've seen this site before. There's nothing here that interests me."

How I would do it differently
Don't make big promises in your headlines. Use something else that's more believable.

What does "conversion" mean anyway?

I'm sure that you know what conversion means, but what about your prospect? Does conversion mean more subscribers? What if they are not looking for subscribers, but sales? Do not make them think. Get to the point.

Instead of making a big promise, I would use a headline that will illustrate the point...

"Improve conversion by 321% with this simple plan"

"734 clicked on our buy button in the first three days. Here's how"

Get the idea?

For what it's worth, do not make your message to look like an ad. People do not like being sold to. They want solutions to their problems. Format your message like an article first. Tell them as much as you can about the solution that you offer.

That means, use black text on white background when possible. Red and green bold text will only make your message read like a clown. You don't want that. When was the last time you bought something from a clown?