Email Marketing Copy Rewrite

copywriting critique


This was the copy that had to be improved--

Dear manager,

Are you aware that over 65% of Americans own a smartphone and 90% of them use it to search for attractive deals including Restaurant Deals and Special offers? Are your deals found in people smartphones? If not then you are losing one of the major growing markets and it’s time to catch up.


Now it is never hard as you think with our created a platform that enables restaurant owners to add their deals in minutes. It is your opportunity to get your latest meal deals in front of thousands of potential customers in your area.

All you need to get started is activating your pre-created account with *BrandName which only takes a couple of minutes.

Click here to activate your FREE account now

Why join the *BrandName hub?

  • 2 Months FREE trial worth $114 with no advanced payment required.
  • Expose your restaurant profile and tasty deals to 1000’s of hungry people searching the web for great deals every day.
  • Promote when you want, to those around you.
  • Our website and mobile apps are FREE to use and download. Hence, more exposure for your offers.
  • Care for trees and save our environment. No need to print out expensive and non measurable paper coupons. This is a cost effective, efficient and modern way of marketing your restaurant.
  • Monitor your campaign closely via a user friendly admin area.
  • It only takes a couple of minutes to add a new deal.

Activate your account today. It only takes a couple of minutes.

Click here to activate your FREE account now

Don’t miss out this opportunity to expose ACME Co. to thousands of meal deal hunters around Australia and join today. We are so excited to guide you through this exciting new opportunity for your business



Here's my version...

Breakthrough Technology Helps Local Restaurants
Get 33 Percent More Customers

Dear Manager,

Did you know that...
  • More than 65 percent of Americans own a smartphone.
  • People today are almost always connected to the internet through their computers, smartphones and mobile devices.
  • Smartphone users are one of the fastest growing market for the restaurant business.
  • 9 out of 10 smartphone owners use it everyday to find information on the latest restaurant deals and special offers.
  • Smartphone users are that part of the population that has the tendency to dine out more often because they can easily afford it.

Imagine, when planning their next dine out, your potential customers will first look for information on the best places to go to, and the special offers that they can avail of.

If these people do not find your restaurant on their smartphones, you could be losing a lot of potential customers.


Meet Them When They're Hungry
We at *BrandName have created an easy to use tool to help you reach these hungry smartphone users. In the time it takes you to brush your teeth, you can easily add details to our website about your restaurant and the special offers that you have for your customers.

The next time your potential customers plan to go out for their next meal, you can be assured that your restaurant is on their list to consider.


Thousands will find you
We do not usually show this information to the public, so let's keep this between ourselves. This image is a screenshot of our mobile app database.

It shows the restaurants who signed up for our marketing service. What is interesting here for you is that this image shows you how many people are going to see details about your restaurant and special offer.



On the red highlighted box above, you can see that for this page alone, the average number of impressions* are 2,741. Impressions are the number of times your ad was seen. The number of click throughs will vary, depending on the offer. The average clicks per day is 42--these are the number of people who clicked on the link to find out more details about the deal.

As you can see from these figures, signing up with *BrandName can help bring in more customers to your restaurant--starting from day one.


Why join *BrandName?
  • 60 days FREE trial worth $114 with no advanced payment required.
  • Everyday, thousands of hungry customers will know about your restaurant and the tasty deals that you offer.
  • Promote when you want, and only to those within your vicinity.
  • Anyone can use both our website and download our mobile apps for FREE. This makes it easy for almost everyone to know more about your restaurant.
  • Care for trees and save our environment. No need to print out expensive and non measurable paper coupons. This is a cost effective, efficient and modern way of marketing your restaurant.
  • Monitor your campaign closely via your own user friendly admin area. It only takes a couple of minutes to add a new deal.


Risk FREE Trial
Try our service for 60-days. If the service gets you more customers, simply continue with the subscription.

Once you are signed up for the 60-day FREE trial, you will automatically receive our MEMBERS ONLY newsletter - "How To Market Your Local Restaurant On The Internet."

Once a month, we will send you, as our valued customer, this newsletter on how you too, can grow your customer base using the Internet.

This newsletter features cost effective marketing tips and strategies on how to get customers for your restaurant business.

*We value your privacy. We will never sell your email and private information to third parties.

To sign up for the 60 day FREE trial, Click Here.



Now it's your turn. How about YOU give ME a critique this time? Kindly use the comment box below--and please be gentle. Thanks!