Ad Critique - Weak Headlines and How to Make Them Better


Hi all,

I'm reasonably new here but I'm hoping that unlike a lot of people I see posting similar requests I've actually read and absorbed the guidance on here before asking for advice. So, here goes - do your worst! I'm very open to suggestions: marshallsupplements.com

NB: I have a bug with the image slider in Firefox on a mac, working to resolve but if you use chrome all is well. Much Appreciated.

- R


Here's what I think
Headline is in all-caps. It's like shouting. It's ok to capitalize a word or two, but only to highlight a benefit. As you can see, you lose its effectiveness when you capitalize every word in your headline.

The headline gives too many benefits--"boost creativity, solve problems, face fears." Pick one major benefit that you think that is most common with your target audience. Everything else you can mention in your copy.

"Ultimate shortcut." Why did you say it's the ultimate? You probably would have a better headline if this claim were more specific. Quantify your claim, then highlight this in the headline.

"Unlock the power of your mind." What power? We all know about mind power, but which one were you referring to?

Motivation to read
Can you see how important the headline is? Your headline has to grab the reader's attention. It has to give them an incentive to stop whatever it is they are doing and make time to read your copy.

As you can see in this ad, this headline failed to hold the reader's attention. There's too much going on and yet, no clear benefit is given to the reader.

What can you do for me?
Let's take a look at the sub-headline: "Did You Know? You’ll Spend Almost 3000 Hours Asleep This Year..."

So what?

Strike two. Next...

"...Now Get Something Back With DreamExtreme - from Marshall Supplements."

Imagine you were in your living room, having a great time. Suddenly, there's a knock on the door. You open the door and the salesperson starts shouting about who they are and what they do. They then show you these supplements, "You wanna buy these?"

What would you do?

If you were that salesperson, how would you do things differently? On the comment section below, tell me how you are going to rewrite the headline.