Tips on writing

This is the first paragraph taken off a website I found on facebook. What can you say about it?
Visa Free for Pinoys.
If you’re a Filipino and a holder of Philippine passport who likes traveling and exploring the beauty of the world, but hates the visa requirement to some countries, frown no more for you can still go to wonderful places without hassle-visa-appointments.

After the title of the paragraph, 'Visa for Pinoys' the next sentence is waaaayyy, too long. People these days have shorter attention span. Unless you have something that they were looking for, people not going to continue reading hoping your writing will get better.

Use short sentences. Let the reader's mind catch its breath. Spend more time editing and polishing your work. When I edit my work, I make sure that my 12 year old daughter can read and understand what I have written. If she gets it, the average reader will understand what I am saying.

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